Looking Back
Yesterday, while casually scrolling through Instagram, I stumbled upon a meme that hit me right in the feels. It went something like this:
"Nobody tells you how tough it is to rewire your brain, especially after going through so much crap. Blessings exist, good people exist, a softer life exists. Let it happen."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks, making me dive deep into my own story. I started reminiscing about the ups and downs, the battles, and the scars I carry. There were moments in my past when I believed chaos was my destiny—a sort of punishment for my unconventional choices. But buried beneath all that, there was a yearning for something different, a silent plea for peace.
So, I decided to chase after peace, and it's been my main gig for the past 12 years or so. Now, I won't lie; I didn't always make the smartest choices on this quest, but the good ones eventually outweighed the bad. Today, I find myself in a much better place. My relationships have transformed, and the chaos that once defined me has become a distant memory.
As a photographer, I've come to view life like a photo album filled with moments—some bright and colorful, others darker and more challenging. I've learned to tell my story through the lens, capturing the resilience and self-discovery that define my journey. Each snapshot is a reminder that, just like in photography, the choices we make shape the narrative, offering the possibility of a story that transcends the shadows of the past.
Through my lens, I've witnessed the quiet beauty that emerges when you let the light of healing touch the darkest corners of your soul. It's like a visual redemption, proving that, yes, blessings are real, and a softer life is within reach. So, I'm letting these extraordinary moments unfold, knowing that the process of rewiring my mind and embracing the beauty of life is an ongoing, ever-evolving art. After all, we're all just figuring this human thing out together.
A Weekend in Orlando
Over the weekend, my wife Leslie had a work opportunity on a film shoot in Orlando, FL. Since it had been several months since our last visit to Orlando, I decided to make it a memorable weekend by joining her and organizing a photoshoot.
Securing suitable accommodation proved to be a bit challenging. The first Airbnb I booked unexpectedly canceled, later relisting the property at a higher cost. Despite this setback, I eventually found a charming townhome in Claremont, FL, and promptly booked it.
With the location sorted, the next decision was choosing the models. Naturally, I opted to collaborate with Maeve, a supportive model and friend I've worked with on numerous occasions. I also extended an invitation to Jade, whom I had previously shot with in December 2022. Additionally, I invited Randal, a fellow photographer who operates under the name Collins Collective. Randal, in turn, brought along two models, Mariah and Sammi, with whom he had collaborated before.
With the cast assembled and the location secured, the stage was set for our photo adventure!
The creative energy unleashed during this single day of shooting was truly astonishing. We kicked off at 10 am on Saturday, and the last shutter click resonated just a few minutes past midnight. Exhausted but proud of our accomplishments, we reflected on the incredible experience and the fantastic photos that resulted.
While there's a substantial amount of editing ahead, here are a few previews from this remarkable weekend.
January in Review
Stepping into 2024, I harbored hopes for a year filled with positivity, good memories, and peaceful intentions. Unfortunately, the year didn't kick off as I had envisioned. In the early days of January, I received some distressing health news, a matter I'm not ready to share publicly, but it has cast a heavy shadow on my thoughts. When a close friend inquired about my well-being, my candid response was a simple "Annoyed!" This drew a laugh, with the remark that only I would react this way to such news. The truth, however, is that the full weight of my health situation has been an ongoing worry, affecting aspects such as finances, work, creative projects, and overall well-being.
Recently, a colleague suggested I looked tired and advised taking some time off to rest and relax. This struck a chord with me, as I had envisioned 2024 to be a year of peace and happy memories, not another year of enduring challenges. Yet, life has its own plans, and we can't always control external events. While we may wish to govern the world around us, inevitabilities catch up with us all. I've decided not to allow these challenges to determine my behavior or choices. Instead, I'm focusing on what I can control—my mental health through meditation, a return to therapy, ensuring quality sleep, and maintaining a balanced diet.
Though I may not have control over external circumstances, I can shape my life in small and meaningful ways. Looking back on January, amidst the worries and fatigue, I find pride in certain accomplishments.
Firstly, in my endeavor to meet new people and engage in creative activities since moving to Atlanta, I attended a Pexels meetup at The 12 Factory. There, I connected with incredible photographers and models, including my cousin Mariah, whom I hadn't seen in years. Her gracious participation as a model resulted in one of my favorite images of the year.
Secondly, Instagram played a surprising yet positive role in introducing me to Kat, a kindred creative spirit. Collaborating on a 52 Frames photo prompt, we created remarkable images, even if my antics during the shoot might have seemed eccentric.
Thirdly, Leslie and I set a goal to embark on more hiking adventures in Georgia in 2024. Despite a less-than-ideal start at Providence State Park, the experience improved once we delved into the back trails, leaving me excited for our future hikes.
Lastly, January brought an invitation to join WESTHAVEN MANAGEMENT in Atlanta—an exciting opportunity to collaborate and network with an incredible group.
While January wasn't without its challenges, and moments of worry and fatigue seeped in, I recognize that allowing worry to consume me is a choice. Gratitude for the positive moments in January fuels my anticipation for more good things in February 2024.
My Unfiltered Selfie Chronicles
Today, I want to take you on a trip down memory lane – back to 2019 when I first dipped my toes into the world of self-portraits. Little did I know, this would blossom into a personal project in 2020, fueled by the unexpected twists and turns of the pandemic that kept me from working with models.
Fast forward, and I've got quite the collection of self-portraits. Some are absolute stunners, while others fall into the "meh" category. But you know what's even more valuable than a perfectly framed shot? The lessons I've learned along the way.
Let's talk experimentation – from playing with lighting and camera settings to diving into different styles and editing techniques. It's been a wild ride, and not only have I mastered the art of striking a pose for myself, but I've also learned how to guide others to do the same. The cherry on top? I've developed a newfound appreciation for my own face.
Now, let's rewind a bit to my childhood. I grew up watching adults dodge cameras like they were on a mission. "I look terrible," they'd exclaim, hands thrown up in defense. Somewhere down the line, I caught the bug. There are entire chapters of my life without a single photographic trace.
Here's the kicker – so many folks out there think they're not picture-worthy. It's a misconception, and it's time to debunk it. Remember the wise words of Gary Vaynerchuk? Every negative thought in your head was planted by someone else. You, my friend, deserve to be in front of the camera, whether it's a spontaneous snapshot or a full-blown professional photoshoot.
If that lingering feeling of looking "terrible" in photos is holding you back, it's time to kick it to the curb. Someone else sowed that seed of doubt, and guess what? They were dead wrong! You're not just photo-worthy; you're a star waiting to be captured.
So, let's celebrate the beauty in every snapshot, embrace our unique selves, and remember – your worth extends far beyond the lens.
Don't forget that one of the best ways you can support me, my creative projects, and my photography is by being a Patreon subscriber. Only Patreons get to see full, uncensored images from my photoshoots. Plus there is behind the scenes video, writing, and even a monthly postcard of my photography. Best part is, it's only $5 a month.
Embracing the Artistic Journey: A Tale of Unveiling Creativity
In the hallowed corridors of my self-reflection, I've never considered myself an artist. Words like thinker and observer found cozy corners in the gallery of my self-identity, but artist? Never. All my life, I watched as others conjured breathtaking works of art, marveling at their innate talent. But I, I believed, didn't have the gift. The talent that effortlessly transformed blank canvases into masterpieces eluded me.
I ventured into the realm of artistic expression a few times, testing the waters. One summer, I enrolled in a community art class, eager to explore this latent aspect of my being. However, the cruel truth of my lack of natural-born talent soon became painfully apparent. It was disheartening to confront the possibility of being subpar at something initially, the grim prospect of creating mediocre art repeatedly until mastery seemed daunting. My perfectionism, a relentless companion, wouldn't allow me to endure such a learning curve.
But then, a revelation dawned on me as I began to capture moments through the lens of an old Canon Rebel I had discovered. I uncovered an innate sense for beauty and a willingness to persevere in my photographic endeavors, even when I was still a novice. Criticism and self-doubt often loomed over me, casting their somber shadows. Nevertheless, day by day, I continued to press that shutter button, crafting my skill with each click. Working with the play of light and the dance of colors, I realized that a glimmer of creativity might indeed reside within me.
Deep down, I had always yearned to draw, a desire that had nestled within me since childhood. However, I lacked the discipline to embark on the arduous journey of learning to sketch, to paint, to master the art of visual storytelling.
But change has now unfurled its enigmatic wings within my life. You see, too many souls spend their existence dwelling in the realm of wishes. They dream of doing something, hoping for the magical moment when their aspirations will materialize. Yet, wishes are but fleeting whispers, evaporating into nothingness. They remain trapped in the realm of thought, unfulfilled.
I may never be the artist I long to be, but that will not deter me. I have resolved to practice relentlessly, to sketch with reckless abandon, and to study the intricate interplay of shadows and light. I will fill countless notebooks and sketchbooks until my well of paper runs dry, and my once-lengthy pencil dwindles into a mere stub.
The crux of the matter is this: I no longer wish; I do. In this newfound journey, I embrace my own subtle creativity, a realm of enigmatic allure and intellectual exploration. I unravel the layers of my artistic identity, one stroke at a time, allowing the intricacies of art to lead me into the depths of my creative potential.
Doubt and Triumph in Photography
Navigating a whirlwind of emotions, I find myself pondering a common quandary: why do so many gifted and genuinely good individuals grapple with doubt regarding the significance of their creative endeavors? Does our art truly resonate with someone's soul? Is it, indeed, beautiful? The haunting story of Vincent Van Gogh, who departed this world convinced of his own failure, echoes in my thoughts. I can't help but wonder how many other creatives share a similar struggle at this very moment—talented souls wrestling with self-doubt, their worth unnoticed.
Today, during my explorations, I stumbled upon a portrait studio unfamiliar to me. Intrigued, I ventured inside to meet its youthful owner—an entrepreneur running a successful franchise, with his work adorning Times Square. While genuinely celebrating his achievements, a question lingers: when will my moment of triumph arrive?
I've shared this tale before, but the roots of my love for photography trace back to high school, where I cherished moments with my father's vintage Canon 35mm film camera. However, my journey into photography remained dormant for years, likely stifled by the expectations of the religious upbringing that guided my early life. The prescribed path was clear: grow up, embark on a mission, return, marry, have kids, and serve the church. Creative pursuits were not championed as enduring skills.
Ten years ago, at the age of 32, I picked up a camera and discovered the enchanting world of photography. From that point on, my journey involved relentless study, practice, and overcoming failures. I delved into understanding light, honed my editing skills, and meticulously crafted a unique style that felt authentically mine. It was a process of self-discovery and artistic definition.
Embracing photography earnestly on Instagram in 2019, I embarked on a mission to create and share meaningful work. Yet, financial success has proven elusive. Securing paying clients and mastering the intricacies of transforming my passion into a thriving business pose ongoing challenges. At 42, I'm acutely aware that the sands of time may have more behind than ahead. The prospect of a perpetual uphill struggle looms, but I'm resolved to face it with dignity and courage.
Despite life's hardships and numerous hurdles, I'm not throwing in the towel. There's a fervent desire for life to swing my way a bit more, for my aspirations to materialize sooner. Yet, my love for photography remains unwavering. I'll persist in molding my creative pursuits into a business that can sustain both myself and my family.
Journeying Through Dark Academia: My Tumblr-Inspired Exploration of Swan House
In November 2013, I embarked on a curious journey by joining the whimsical realm of Tumblr. Little did I know then how profoundly this seemingly frivolous platform would impact my life, enduring through the years to 2023. As I ventured into Tumblr's eclectic tapestry, my attention was consistently ensnared by a particular aesthetic: Dark Academia.
Within the labyrinth of Tumblr, I found myself captivated by images portraying the allure of Dark Academia – be it the enchanting libraries, partially consumed cups of coffee, or the spellbinding creations of art and architecture. Amidst the plethora of geeky GIFs and whimsical memes that populate my Tumblr feed, the profound affection for Dark Academia emerges as a recurring theme in my posts.
This affection naturally transcended the digital realm and permeated my world of photography, leaving an indelible mark on my portfolio. The unmistakable influence of Dark Academia can be readily discerned in my body of work.
Therefore, when the opportunity arose this past weekend to visit Swan House, nestled in Atlanta, Georgia, I eagerly seized it. Despite the interference of my ever-restless ADHD, which initially compelled me to resist leaving the comforts of home, I can unequivocally say that venturing out was a decision well made. The sprawling beauty of Swan House's 33-acre estate left me in awe, and the images I captured during my visit are nothing short of breathtaking.
Remarkably, even after spending nearly four hours exploring the grounds, I had only scratched the surface, having covered a mere quarter of the extensive estate. I eagerly anticipate my return, eager to delve deeper into the remaining acres and gather more photographic treasures.
Photographer's Artistic Journey and Self-Comparison.
I recently jumped into a book by a fellow photographer, a book that delves deeply into this artist's personal odyssey through the world of photography. He generously shares his formative experiences, recounting how he was gifted his 1st camera at the tender age of 8. Within the pages, he unveils some of the snapshots he captured as a child with that very camera, weaving his life story through the chapters, which document an impressive and unwavering evolution in his photographic prowess as he aged.
As I immersed myself in his narrative, my initial response was one of genuine admiration, a whispered "That's rather fascinating!" But lurking beneath the surface, an insidious notion began to creep into my thoughts—a comparison, pitting my own photographic journey against his. My introduction to photography was not at the age of 8, but during my high school years. I did not maintain a lifelong dedication to the craft as he did; in fact, my true commitment to this art only blossomed around a decade ago, punctuated by periods of fervent activity and intermittent lulls. My collection doesn't preserve every single photograph I've ever taken; quite the contrary, many have been misplaced or lost over the years, thanks in no small part to my abysmal file organization. In sum, these unsettling thoughts led me down a path of self-doubt, questioning the very essence of my capabilities as a photographer.
This is precisely why comparing oneself to others is fraught with peril.
The unassailable truth is that there exists no universally correct or erroneous route to becoming an artist. Some commence their artistic journey in their tender years, perhaps at the age of 8, while others, like myself, embark on this path in their thirties. Still, others may not kindle their artistic flames until well past their retirement years. The crux of the matter is that there is no singularly correct or incorrect moment to begin, no unequivocal roadmap to follow. The only veritable imperative is to remain faithful to the passions that stir our hearts and fuel our creative spirits. We must craft art that resonates authentically with our own souls and has the power to evoke emotion, even if it's solely within ourselves.
The point of all of this is to emphasize that it's absolutely acceptable to learn from and draw inspiration from fellow artists. Nonetheless, we must remain steadfast in our understanding that just because their artistic journey appears distinct from our own does not render our own path any less meaningful or legitimate.
We Moved
It's been a while, hasn't it? I can hardly believe that the last time I wrote down my thoughts here was back in May. Since then, life has thrown us some curveballs. Nothing bad, but there are reasons I have not had the time to write.
The biggest news is that we no longer call Florida home. After almost three years of contemplating and discussing it, Leslie and I finally made the leap to Atlanta, Georgia. It's a significant move for us, primarily driven by Leslie's passion for the film and TV industry. While the idea seemed brilliant in theory, our timing couldn't have been more unfortunate.
For those not following the industry closely, a strike has paralyzed nearly 90% of film and TV productions. So, while we've physically relocated to Atlanta, the real work awaits us once the strike concludes and Leslie can begin her job hunt in earnest.
In the meantime, we're adapting to our new surroundings. Personally, I find the weather here much more pleasant, while Leslie occasionally pines for the scorching Florida heat. We've already begun immersing ourselves in Atlanta's culture. One highlight was attending Goo Con, a special effects convention, where Leslie forged connections with talented artists in the industry. We also embarked on our first Atlanta date night at the Shakespeare Tavern, enjoying "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Abridged."
Overall, our spirits are high, and we're approaching the future with optimism. However, uncertainty looms, and there's much in the unknown that we try not to fret over.
In the midst of it all, I'm eager to get back into photography and connect with potential clients. I'll strive to update this site more frequently, and I have some exciting ideas for revamping its aesthetics. Some changes might take time, but who knows? I might find a creative burst of energy and spend a whole afternoon giving the website a fresh look.
So, as we embark on this new chapter in Atlanta, I invite you to stay tuned for updates on our journey, our challenges, and our triumphs. The road ahead may be uncertain, but one thing's for sure – we're ready to embrace it all.
Embrace the Chaos
When I was a child my parents took me to a local book fair held inside a school gymnasium. I was so excited because even at a young age, and despite the fact that I wasn't a very good reader, I loved books. They told stories. Stories that would fill my imagination with wonderful heroes, dark lands, and far-off adventures.
So as I wanted into the book fair and saw the gym filled with book vendors of every kind, standing behind folding tables decorated, and piled high with books, I could barely contain my excitement. I had every intention of finding a story to read.
At the time I was really into "choose your own adventure" books and had my heart set on finding a few new ones to add to my meager collection, but as I walked along the rows and rows of book vendors a book caught my attention. I was a white journal with Yoda on the cover in a cartoon image. I had not intended to get a journal, and truth be told I had never written in a journal before, but there was something about this book that drew me to it. So with the small allowance I had saved, I purchased my very first journal.
I had grown up watching my father write in a journal regularly, and I was excited to be doing something that emulated him, so when I got home I took my journal to my room, sat down at my little desk, a desk that used to belong to my father as a child, and began to write my first page...
I don't remember what I wrote, to be honest, but I remember hating it. It wasn't right, it didn't look like my dad's journal pages, my handwriting was messy, and my thoughts were dumb. The bottom line...it wasn't perfect.
In a frustrated fit, I remember ripping the 1st page out of the journal, because if it wasn't perfect it didn't deserve to exist. So I crumpled up the paper, tossed it over my shoulder, and turned back to the journal to try again. Again and again, I tried to write, and again and again, I kept ripping pages out, all because I was under the misguided idea that if what I created wasn't perfect it didn't deserve to exist.
After doing this over and over again for some time I now had a new problem. I had ripped so many pages out of the journal that the inside spine was now scared, damaged, and clearly missing pages. The journal no longer looked nice. The journal was no longer perfect.
I tried to fix it, but the damage was done. In my quest for perfection, I had destroyed the very object that just a few hours before had brought me so much happiness and excitement. This idea of perfectionism and the notion that if it wasn't perfect it didn't deserve to exist would follow me for many years to come, and many more journals fell to this misguided idea.
But it wasn't just journals, I threw away photos I had taken, stories I had written, song recordings I had done, and so much more. If I couldn't be "perfect" in a certain class, I would just stop trying. If I couldn't be perfect at a new skill I just wouldn't learn.
Over and over again I would lose out on so many things because in my mind anything that wasn't perfect didn't deserve to exist.
Thankfully, I eventually learned that I was wrong and that perfectionism is nothing worth striving for. Perfectionism is a myth. A myth that doesn't really exist. No one can achieve perfectionism, in any aspect of their life or talent. And while it may look like people can, from the outside looking in, there is always room for people to grow.
The trick is to abandon the idea that you need to be perfect in anything and instead embrace the chaos that is this life. Life is messy, disorganized, chaotic, and so much more, but it is within that very chaos that real beauty, real art, and real impact actually live.
So to whoever is reading this... in regards to whatever you are trying to be perfect at, regardless of if it is just living life like being a good parent, child, teacher, or student or a form of art like photography, painting, writing, makeup, acting, and more, or a discipline like academia, science, mathematics, etc. Remember this...
Perfectionism has destroyed more good things than it has ever created. Embrace the chaos. You deserve to exist.