I saw a post on Instagram today, a friend of mine working on her graduate degree, surrounded by a glorious mess of books, notes, and half-drunk coffee cups. The kind of photo that screams, “I’m learning important things and losing my mind in style.” I’m genuinely happy for her. Really. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a little sadness tucked in there too.
I never graduated from college. I’m the only one in my family who didn’t, and most of my friends have more degrees than a thermometer. My gaming squad, the people I play Fortnight and Helldivers II with, includes a handful of folks with Masters and PhDs. And then there’s me, proudly waving my high school diploma like it’s a backstage pass to the wrong concert.
Truth is, I wasn’t encouraged to go to college. I barely limped across the high school finish line, and if I’m being honest, school and I just never really clicked. But not going to college has haunted me for most of my adult life. A quiet little ghost that likes to whisper, “Hey, remember that thing you didn’t do?” I’ve lost job opportunities because of it, some that I was more than qualified for. It’s a weird feeling, being told you’re not enough because you didn’t spend a fortune proving you could follow instructions and stay awake through lectures.
Every once in a while, I’ll start daydreaming about going back. I’ll scroll through college websites, poke around the programs, and imagine what it’d be like to finally finish something I started a lifetime ago. But then reality barges in, college is expensive, life is busy, and time feels like an endangered species. If I did go back, I’d want to give it everything. But that would mean giving up the little pieces of free time I’ve fought to protect.
Maybe someday I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll go back, get that degree, hang it on the wall just to make peace with that ghost. Or maybe I’ll keep doing what I’ve always done, learning the hard way, carving my own crooked little path through the world.
Either way, I’ll keep growing, even if it’s not on anyone’s syllabus.
