I’m Sorry
Yesterday, I had a conversation with my wife. I apologized to her. Not because I had committed some terrible sin, but because I recently noticed how angry and grumpy I had been as of late. Yes, yes, I know… You all have come to expect a certain amount of cynicism and sarcasm from me, and I promise, those things are not going anywhere, but, my anger at the state of things had moved away from a healthy disrespect for all things present, and started resembling more of an unhealthy personality trait. My poor therapist has had to endure more then one session that included me just rage talking against “the machine”, and while those can be, occasionally, useful, I wasn’t actually working on anything productive. I was just complaining about a bunch of things that I had no control over, and allowing those things to take purchase inside me, and start making decisions on my behalf.
I have always had a lot of anger and rage inside me, so it’s sometimes easy for me to give into the feelings, but I’m not an angry teenager anymore who isn’t in a safe place to express themselves, and I have worked hard to be able to communicate my feelings without putting holes in walls, like I did when I was 17.
So, I apologized to my wife, who has patiently listened to, and endured so many of my long rants about religion, politics, human beings stupidity, and AI. She deserves some sort of award for all she has put up with, or maybe a sushi date followed by frozen yogurt.
The point of all of this is, I am going to try to be less angry with *gestures at world* and work to be more positive about things. I’ve heard that you see what you focus on, and I have certainly been focusing on negative things recently, and as a consequence, all I see are more negative things, most of which are things I have no control over, and can not change.
Now, I will tell you what I told my wife. I am aware this change will NOT happen over night. As I mentioned before, anger is deeply embedded within my soul, and I am not going to stop rolling my eyes
at the absurdity that is the human race, along with all its decisions. But, I am going to try to not focus in on it, like a sniper about to take a shot without any bullets. Because, like the sniper without ammo, that would be unproductive in nature. I can focus on all the things going wrong all I want, but at the end of the day, I can’t change anything.
How am I going to do this? Good question… I have no idea. Right now I am trying to me more aware of when I do it, so I can pivot away from it. This text exchange between me and my wife is a good example of me trying to pivot. And, like the meme, I imagine I am going to be saying WOOOOOOOOSAAAAHHHHHHHH, a lot!
Why? Because, yes, there are a lot of very stupid things happening in the world right now, but I don’t want those things to dictate my actions. How a person stands against darkness defines their character. And I would like to hope that I will not be thought of as an angry 17 year old who put holes in the wall of his parents house. I would like to hope that I, personally, can face the darkness without allowing that darkness to consume me, turning me into a different kind of darkness.
So, as I did with my wife, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the rants, complaints, and negative energy. I’m going to try and do better, to see better, and to live better.
Wish me luck.
